i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
be right there i have to get my cape
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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