the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
