woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
