I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
