when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
