I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
