you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
