I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
