im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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