i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
