if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just found puke in my bra..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
