Quick, to the slutcave!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
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I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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