Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
