I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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