there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
