New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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