sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
