When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
