You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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