On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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