My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
