my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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