my phone needs a breathalizer
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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