Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i drank out of a bidet.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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