if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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