im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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