you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
