Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
