I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
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