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My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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