took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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