I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
