Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
