Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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