to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I wish there were birth control emojis
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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