If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We need to rekindle our bromance
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
