I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
