She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
