I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
