I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
