2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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