Who did Billy Mays play for?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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