the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
