Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
