Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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