you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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