he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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