Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
