i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
