Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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