I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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