Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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