I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize