I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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