Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
