Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
