Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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