the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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