dude i'm inner monologue high
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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