stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.