my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
