girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
false alarm, still single
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
